I have been wanting to write for weeks now but things have been so chaotic in life I wanted to wait until things settled before I wrote about everything. A lot has happened in the last few months for me, more than I would have imagined could have happened in such a short time. I shall give a basic summary of most of what you have possibly missed but my focus is now on the future, on things moving forward.
So back to the old. Over the past months my life has been a rollercoaster of note, most of the time I have been holding on for dear life. I will not go into all the details, as that is just not necessary, but I'll give you the overview of most of what happened. What really sparked it all was a conversation I had in the middle of September with someone very dear to me. That conversation changed everything. My eyes were opened to the fact that my world was about to be flipped on its head, that God was going to change a lot in my life. Since then many things have happened, both good and not so good, most of them being quite extreme. The build up was slow. As the weeks started going by I started to develop strong depression and anxiety, keeping me up at night and distracted during the day. I won't lie and say things were pretty, they were not. Most of my world collapsed around me and things were chaos in my life. I lost my interest in living and I was plagued by panic attacks on a weekly basis.
Right as things were culminating in intensity and difficulty three very big things happened one after another. Within the course of a week I lost my job, lost someone very special to me, and was kicked out of the church leadership. I lost my job because I could no longer perform and make it through a day at work with all that was going on. My relationship with that person was all but terminated for reasons I will not go into, suffice to say that it really left a hole in my life. As for why I am not allowed to serve at the church... I do not understand and agree with everything there but that's okay.
I am not going to fluff it up and make it sound better than what it was, I'm not one for pretending or lying. Things are not where they were at all though. Right after it all happened, November 1st, I took an effective break from life. I took some time off to myself to find God in it all and get His wisdom and peace. I spent weeks at home followed by a month on my family's farm in the Natal Midlands. I spent days meditating and praying over everything, finding God's strength, love, and guidance through it all. It was a rough and long journey but He never fails.
I have learnt and grown a lot through this, certainly more than I really thought I could or would. God's love has been such a blessing to me through it all. It has comforted and relaxed me, challenged and grown me, supported and uplifted me, pushed and encouraged me. It has been incredible, life changing. I have been noticing a lot of change and improvement in myself due to His love and support through this all. God really amazed me through this, in ways I never thought possible.
On to the new, the future. God has opened the door for my next stage of life, and that is studying Psychology. Through the whole application and interview process I knew God was in it from the beginning, I could just feel it. Starting next month I will be studying a Bachelor of Psychology at the South African College of Applied Psychology. They have a beautiful campus in Claremont and a very real world degree. I am thrilled to start studying psychology there. Due to life's circumstances I will be working almost whenever I am not studying. I shall be very busy for these next few years. I know what I want and God is providing the opportunities for me to build that life for myself. I am so glad to be able to start working towards what I want, to start living the life I want.
There is not much more to say at this point. The majority of things have settled, but it has changed me. I can feel it, I am not the same anymore. It is a good thing. If God would have me change and grow like this it can only be for the best. Due to where things are I will not be updating this blog very often as I doubt there will be much life changing news and events. I will still update this blog a few times in the year to not be a stranger, there will still be life to be had. I will most likely be updating my secondary blog on a more regular basis if you would like to keep track of that, the link to which can be found here. I use this blog more to vent, process, and think. You have been warned, it is rather raw.
I'll see you around.
"The wilderness holds answers to more questions than we have yet learned to ask."
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